Date of the Union

PRESIDENTIAL ADDRESS: Solo Episode

• Megan Mallonee & Spencer Goodson • Season 1 • Episode 6

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0:00 | 51:36

In this solo episode we're talking our takeaways from the first half of the season, answering listener questions, and sharing our views on a few dating hot takes. As always, remember to rate, review and share on social media. 

Spencer:

No, I'm, I'm sorry, Megan. I, I know I waited like two years to see the first one, and then I saw it, and then I was like, that was phenomenal. Unfortunately, like I loved every second of it. I'm, I'm actually already over the second one.

Megan:

You can't say that. You

Spencer:

No. Like,

Megan:

The second one actually Like, it. I prefer the music in the second one.

Spencer:

of course I prefer the music. Of course. I prefer me the music, like, it's gonna be incredible, but it's like, I'm done with the press tour. I'm, I'm done. Like,

Megan:

You don't have to apologize. They

Spencer:

No,

Megan:

they look scary. They look like little bony aliens. Ariana

Spencer:

no.

Megan:

like, I can't

Spencer:

Yeah.

Megan:

bodies. It's like creepy.

Spencer:

also, just the way they've decided to like, meld into one human being, it's like we, this, this

Megan:

like limbs holding onto each other all the time and it

Spencer:

lift it's bones, bones, holding onto little bones. Yeah.

Megan:

I hate it. Yeah, I

Spencer:

I don't need to, I don't need to see any more memes. I don't need to see any more clips. I just, I need it to be done and I need them to just resume their normal lives. Yeah.

Megan:

completely agree with you.

Spencer:

it's a work of art call today. But wait, how was, how was Begonia?

Megan:

I loved it.

Spencer:

Okay. What's the premise? She's an alien.

Megan:

Um, but I can't really tell you anything

Spencer:

because they'll ruin everything. Yeah, that's fine. That's fine. Would you ever shave your head

Megan:

um, you know, not like Oh, for a role. Yeah, absolutely.

Spencer:

Sorry, you just meant in life, like if somebody asked you.

Megan:

I mean, I thought you were just saying like, would I ever consider it? I'm like, no. Like hopefully, like God willing, I never have to make that decision.

Spencer:

I meant with extreme motivation

Megan:

Yeah, yeah. For a role, absolutely. I would do any, I mean, I would do

Spencer:

you would do anything you would do, you would, you would, um, appear in the nude in a film.

Megan:

anything. Mm-hmm. Yeah.

Spencer:

Okay.

A recent survey found that most single men and women between the ages of 18 and 34 say that they want a romantic relationship. But nearly all of those surveyed, including 91% of men, and 94% of women say they think the current dating environment is more difficult than ever. We are getting to the bottom of this with conversations with real people dating in cities across the country because our democracy is under attack. But so are our sex lives. I'm Megan. I'm single and dating in Los Angeles. I'm Spencer. I'm married, living in New York City. Welcome to Date of the Union.

Spencer:

I'm sitting in a rental car with my father-in-law this weekend, and I heard the words like, no young woman never, ever wants to hear. And that's, so I listened to your podcast. I know it was horrifying. I just, I, words escaped me anyways. Um, he was actually very, very complimentary. He said that we were really good at asking questions, that he thought the questions were great, that he thought it's like a much needed podcast. He said he felt very old because he didn't connect to any of it. But the main thing that he said, he's really anti-D dating in bars. He was like, I really, really want girls to stop meeting guys in bars. And of course it's coming from like, you know, a 60-year-old man who's like, worried about safety. But the thing is, one, I don't think we think about safety far enough two, I was thinking about what he was saying and he was like, there's got to be other ways that girls meet guys. And of course, of course you've got your apps. But I don't know, I just, I wish that other things were not perceived as like weird or inorganic or like, I think that I wish I, I just wish things, other things were more accessible because he was just like, I just feel like in this day and age, girls are not meeting guys at bars or guys that they actually want to date.

Megan:

Mm-hmm. Yeah. I do think the dream, like if you ask most people, where do you wanna meet your partner? Like they will say, I want it to be like a meet cute at a grocery store, or like at a run club, or of friends. It's just that like, that's not happening either,

Spencer:

totally. Yeah. And it's like, so we're, we're having to resort to other options.

Megan:

Right,

Spencer:

Okay.

Megan:

Yeah, the ideal, I mean, for me, my ideal actually as a sports bar, just because I do think that that's the type of man that I like, like a guy that just likes to hang out with his friends and like watch football. Like obviously I'm not talking about a club, you know?

Spencer:

Right,

Megan:

Um, I, I fully believe that I'll not find love in the club. Um, so we can start there,

Spencer:

right. What you're saying is that it's, it's very idealistic for that generation to say, don't meet people at bars, where it's like,

Megan:

It's

Spencer:

actually, I'm trying.

Megan:

to, that's just like where everyone happens to be gathered and you know, that people are single and there's like, it's easier to make conversation, but do wish that like SI don't know, I mean the singles events are just so weird

Spencer:

That's the thing. That's the thing. There's no, there's no un like, there's no chuy. That's not a word, but like there's no, like, the thing is when you.

Megan:

cringe.

Spencer:

Non cringe.'cause the whole thing is if a guy is signing up for a blank event, or even like with these coffee and chill things, right? Like, I love going to these coffee and chill things now that you come to New York. But like I, unfortunately the bias in my head, I'm looking at these guys like, I don't know if I would actually like, wanna meet a guy here. Right. Which is like the

Megan:

Yeah.

Spencer:

crazy

Megan:

this on Instagram?

Spencer:

Yeah, Yes.

Megan:

you know? Yeah.

Spencer:

So it's like a, a crazy catch 22. Um,

Megan:

I think this is the Meghan Markle effect, where It's, like if you actually

Spencer:

Yeah,

Megan:

then. It's like lay and embarrassing and like, I really think that's why people don't like her is because she's trying to be liked. And so it's like if you're going to a singles event or you're going to coffee and chill to meet girls, then it's like, I don't want to

Spencer:

no, exactly.

Megan:

We went to this like wine club and it's, they have really cute events in Menace, obviously that's still a bar, but it's like an event. but it's like there's no Way a guy's going

Spencer:

Absolutely not.

Megan:

unless it's just to

Spencer:

Right.

Megan:

And then that

Spencer:

Right. And then you're like, why are they doing it feels so targeted and like calculated.

Megan:

Exactly. Yeah. And, but it's like if a girl goes out like, I'm going here to meet guys, it's

Spencer:

right. right.

Megan:

that's just like, I, I understand that it's a double standard, but I'm not really going

Spencer:

Yeah. Agreed. Agreed. And the thing is like, I do actually feel bad for men in that regard. Like I do. I like, I hate the, hate the offender of men,

Megan:

it sucks,

Spencer:

but, I do feel bad for them for that.'cause it's like They can't win, I don't think. And I don't think, I don't think we're willing to change anything about our thought processes is to let them win.

Megan:

Right. Exactly. It's like, no, that sucks for you, but I'm actually not going to change the way that I feel. So,

Spencer:

Yeah.

Megan:

Yeah.

Spencer:

like, what are, what are you thinking? What are you seeing, um, common denominators in the cities we like talk to so far? Like what is,

Megan:

Yeah,

Spencer:

I think, I think what's crazy is every single person we've had on has said, the women in my city are beautiful. I,

Megan:

I know, I know like we have the greatest, most interesting, most successful cities. And I think the thing is on the one hand, like I said, we hold our female friends on the highest of pedestals,

Spencer:

yeah,

Megan:

I don't think there's anything wrong with that, but on the other hand, statistically this is the most educated, high paid and successful that women have ever been in human history. So it's like also correct. they're not, they're not really over selling them that

Spencer:

No.

Megan:

So, and I think, you know, the

Spencer:

got great, we've got great technology now we've got, we've figured out skincare, like women can wear highlights and wear makeup. Like women are looking good these days.

Megan:

And men are just not catching up And it's like, you know, I think I just, I don't, that seems to be kind of the universal problem. I think that in like online dating. Um, and so I don't know what we do about that

Spencer:

I, I I genuinely don't know. I don't, I can't put a finger on it other than what I'm seeing with men.

Megan:

Mm-hmm. Yeah, I agree. And then I think the other kind of thread is just like, not just the being tired of the apps, but like the issues that they have that has been caused by their prevalence.

Spencer:

What do you mean?

Megan:

I think the problem isn't using dating apps, it's that because. Everyone's on dating apps, people don't make an effort

Spencer:

totally. Well, that's the thing. I think, I think that men are not intentional anymore.

Megan:

Yeah,

Spencer:

Right?

Megan:

they don't have to be,

Spencer:

don't have to be. Yeah. Because. Everyone can just, and the thing is also, there's no accountability in terms of go in the same way taking somebody out and then like ghosting them, canceling a date also has no accountability. This is a person on a screen, like there's no accountability in any way that you're ever gonna actually have to apologize to this person or make things right. And so when things are so like one dimensional, then there's no actual ramifications for behavior.

Megan:

Yeah. I think that's another reason why like setups are great or just having a connection, like the quicker that you can find a person that you both know, like the more easily that person is going to have some. Person that they're accountable to that makes them like, not want to treat you horribly? Not that I haven't been treated the worst by people who Like, knew my close friends very well,

Spencer:

Like, it's like our friends will hear about this, like, what the

Megan:

at least just on the first date,

Spencer:

Yeah. Yeah. Okay. So I think we have like time for like two or three questions. Do you wanna do those now, Megan?

Megan:

Yeah. We'll just do the best ones that we got. Um, okay, so listener question, this one, um, comes from the West Coast, Los Angeles, but it's not me, I promise.

Spencer:

Imagine if we were just submitting questions to ourselves.

Megan:

ourselves.

Spencer:

We solemnly swear we did not.

Megan:

these are organic, um, questions that you can ask on a first date to weed out losers or guys that you don't want to go on a second date with, which I feel like is such a good question because so often you're just trying to read the vibe and whether you like them, but sometimes it's like, okay, there's enough of this to keep it going, but like What conversations can you have that are good weed out questions?

Spencer:

wait, that's really good. Okay, well mine are gonna come and I think ours are gonna be super different because I think mine are gonna come from a place of like obviously being married. And so like I think I'm coming through the lens of probably asking like maybe grandma ish questions or like

Megan:

magical Spencer, though.

Spencer:

more, okay. So I think some questions that I would ask would be like, I would ask him one. To talk about like his view or like his, the importance of physical fitness in his like everyday life. Right? Like I think that I am very attracted to somebody who works out every day, if not every day, like tries to, I, I mean obviously with crazy jobs you

Megan:

Yeah.

Spencer:

get it how you live. But I think that there says a lot about life discipline, professional discipline, personal discipline about somebody who gets up in the morning and goes to, um, goes to workout. Um, I think also figuring out like what they like to do to work out. Like do they like to walk? Do they like to ski? Right? Like kind of the whole universe. But I think the day to day, like are they going to a gym in the mornings? Like that actually like, tells a lot about like their level of like,

Megan:

Yeah.

Spencer:

think that there's a correlation between investment in self working out and like

Megan:

Mm-hmm.

Spencer:

longevity and accelerating up a professional like.

Megan:

Yeah.

Spencer:

that's a big one for me. I think another one is asking questions about friendships and male friendships, but I do think that we have to be a little bit kinder to men in this regard because I think women like to say like he doesn't have any friends and it's a total turnoff. Okay, women, the second a man turns like 28, they have like three friends anymore and

Megan:

Mm-hmm.

Spencer:

maybe they had five and half have left the city if they live in a big city to go back home. So a guy having somewhere between like one and four friends by the time he's 27, 28, 29 is perfectly normal. And the whole thing is you, that's when you get couple friends like that, the whole point is then you get a partner and you like increase. So like I think the women are increasingly like early turned off by the fact that the guy is like, well I have like Bob and Joe and it's like Have 37 friends. Women are just crazy. Like we need, we need that kind of like

Megan:

I

Spencer:

network.

Megan:

men, women make new friends every day. Men make new friends one time, maybe twice.

Spencer:

Right?

Megan:

they do when they're children, and then at college sometimes they go to college with those friends and

Spencer:

Yes.

Megan:

remain, they don't have breakups. They stay friends with the same people that they literally like. Met because their moms were friends, and they're just like, this is my, this is who I go through

Spencer:

Right. And they could go

Megan:

And it,

Spencer:

they could go two years without talking to them. Right? Like that's just how it works. And so in the city, like they could have two guy friends because their intern class at their bank, they had like 15 of them and

Megan:

Yeah.

Spencer:

two two have moved back to Chicago. Two have them moved back to New York. Like they have three guys in the city and they see them probably three times a year, like if not forced. And so I think more than asking like like do you have friends? I think the questions are like, what do you and your friends like to do? Because I think a huge turnoff for me is like if you're 29 years old and you're still playing video games, I know some girls are way more permissive about that, but like

Megan:

Yeah.

Spencer:

video games. It's the lamest thing in the entire world. You cannot be an adult man and play video games. It's just like Period. Period. And so if he's saying,

Megan:

doesn't listen to this.

Spencer:

if they're saying if they're saying like, I'll catch up with my friend on Call of Duty. I'm sorry. Like

Megan:

completely.

Spencer:

are other ways to catch up with friends, give them a phone call, right? Like, and then in the city, what do you do? Do you guys like to go out to bars together? Do you guys like to golf, go outside of the city? Do you guys like to go upstate? I think asking questions about like what they do with their friends more than like, do you have friends? Would be another one. Um, what about you?

Megan:

I completely agree with the working out one, like actually everything that you said. Um, I recently like was talking to a guy who's one of those like, well, the world is my gym types. And it's did not have big aspirations and like, it's so true. It's just the people that are just like, go with the flow, like not focused on improvement. Um, so I think that's totally true. One thing that I've started implementing is instead of asking like, are you looking for a serious relationship? and you can tell me if you think this is dumb, but I'm like, a lot of your friends starting to like, settle down?

Spencer:

Yeah.

Megan:

And so I'm not saying is this what you want? I'm not creating this intense like pressure. But I also think a guy who all of his friends are still single and enjoying, going out together and not trying to Move in that direction. It's gonna be, I'm I'm not really trying to be The first

Spencer:

Yeah.

Megan:

that's like, you know, tying the chain around his ankle. And so, but then I think you get guys that are like, yeah, you know, my brother is in a serious relationship or like I've, I've started going to weddings and so they're starting to like have that. Mindset and feel like they're moving that direction in life. I think especially in la just there are so many guys that never get there. And so that's what I wanna know about your friends. Like, not How many are there, but where are they

Spencer:

Yeah.

Megan:

and like, where are we as a friend group

Spencer:

Yeah. And I think even asking something like what are the dynamics of your friend group? You know, is most of your guy friends in relationships or are you guys also like, I think asking it kind of like this like group, kind of Question where it's just like, yeah, what are the dynamics of your friend group? I think that that like gets to the same question too, and it's not like it's, yeah, it's not like, so are you the, are you the last man standing?

Megan:

I'm sure that's how I ask it. yeah, that's why I don't hear

Spencer:

I think another thing to get like in front of probably early, and if you can do it in a intentional way, like I, I honestly feel like if I was to go back out and date now though, that I would be like probably pretty psycho on a date. So I would probably have to like tone myself down because I feel like I would be like, so like hyperfocused on like what I was looking for. But I do think also people get to the geography question or like imagine being six, eight months into dating somebody and being like their goal is to return to Minnesota point blank period and you're like,

Megan:

Mm-hmm.

Spencer:

asking questions like, what's the relationship between your job and geographically where you wanna end up. Like, I think like saying like, are you, like does your do job tie you to the city or does your job like increase flexibility? And then I think the, the next question is do you see yourself at this job for a long time? Because I think that nothing would be worse. I mean, people have to make sacrifices in relationships all the time, but I think at least kind of getting a landscape as to like what their level of commitment looks like to their job and then what that means, like a commitment like geographically to the city you're living in. I think getting some clarity on that is, is something you definitely wanna know sooner rather than later.

Megan:

Yeah. no, I totally agree with that. I think also just like travel, like I, I think this is a question that I, ask a lot and I was on a day recently where the guy was like, I don't like to

Spencer:

Yeah, that's, I mean, Brooks doesn't, my, my Brooks,

Megan:

and people really? Yeah.

Spencer:

does not like to travel.

Megan:

But you'll, But yeah. And it's like, that's important to me. And it's honestly something that I take for granted. Like, I feel like it's just like, oh yeah, everyone would go on trips all the time if they had the time and money, but like, some people like really don't want to and like really just wanna chill every weekend. And, you know, not even just liking to travel, but like, what does your weekend look like? Like are you the type that you just wanna decompress all weekend and chill on the couch? You can like have a great connection with someone, but you guys wanna do opposite things every

Spencer:

Yeah,

Megan:

and you both work all week. So it's like, what? How is that

Spencer:

and I actually think, I mean just because like it's become, it's like been actually kind of like a point that we've had to walk through, work through, like in my own marriage, is that I think asking the follow up questions about like, okay, why don't you want to travel? Right. And. There's mul, there's so many different answers, and some of them can be super legitimate. Just if you're just a homebody, you just like sitting on the couch like whatever. Like that sucks. And that's a lame person. But

Megan:

No,

Spencer:

you do like, I'm sorry, that's my

Megan:

there are, but like, no. Or if you're both homebodies,

Spencer:

right. Okay. Of course,

Megan:

to us, that's

Spencer:

right. Like if you're both, it's great you found your match. But I think that if the reason that they don't like to travel is because they see their twenties as a time for building up equity and wealth and investing. Like

Megan:

Sure.

Spencer:

boring, boring, boring answer. But it's like, don't you also, it can actually can get you into the mindset of a man who, like You can open other doors into somebody who actually is super fiscally responsible. Somebody who's vesting for the future. Roaring, roaring, boring. But again, those are incredible traits to have and then Then the conversation becomes whether you guys can find some balance.

Megan:

Yeah. Yeah. I'm specifically talking about a guy who was like, yeah, I just literally hate like, you know, the logistics

Spencer:

And I'm specifically talking about a man who's investing.

Megan:

Yeah. Right. Yeah. So there are good reasons.

Spencer:

defensive here.

Megan:

okay. We had a, a New York, message. Spencer, Do you have guys to set me up with in New York?

Spencer:

Uh, do you know who wrote that?

Megan:

Yeah, that

Spencer:

Oh my God. Okay. I actually, like, here's the thing, I actually need to be a better friend. We were just talking about this and because I feel like so many of my girlfriends right now are in relationships, I've like definitely put that on the back burner. But I also have like an increased, like there are girls in my life in New York that are single and I work, I think about this all the time. I work at a big law law firm. I have lots of guy friends. I need to be shaken and bacon for these ladies. So I'm gonna pull out the Rolodex.

Megan:

Okay.

Spencer:

all the guys in my real estate group are either gay or married, but, but yeah, we'll get some, we'll throw some m and a in there, some cap markets. Um, I'll revert with a, with a pitch deck.

Megan:

Okay. Amazing. Um, thanks Rammi for that one. We've got good news. Um, okay. This is, um, one that I really liked, that I already have some thoughts on. A listener from South Africa said You guys should talk about navigating friendships when you're in different stages of your lives. it's so good and I feel like it's something that I've obviously given a lot of thought to and I was think kind of thinking about like what I've needed and what I've like tried to offer as a single friend. And then I would love to hear

Spencer:

Yeah. Go.

Megan:

Um, so I think there are like these two aspects that are important, being the one in the relationship. one is not being judgmental. I feel like you are great at this. I don't feel like I have any friends that are in relationships that aren't great at this, but like, I understand that there can be like a, oh, you know, I can't believe you're like, still going out all the time and I just chill with my boyfriend at home. Like, you're, like, you're, you know, all of that. So I think that's important, just being like, I still have to do all of these things, um, because I'm still trying to meet someone and, this is the path that I'm on right now. And then I think the other piece is this like combination of being curious about. The single person's dating life without making them feel like a court jester, because it's like, I always say, if I have a bad date, like great, that's just like a good story for my friends. Like I love to talk about my horror stories. It's so much fun. Um, but I like, to be the one, giving that

Spencer:

Yeah.

Megan:

and not just Oh, tell us What horrible date you've been on

Spencer:

Yeah, yeah. Or like when it becomes the topic of the con, like the repeated story that other people are telling in the friend group, like, that's not fun. I've now, I've now become the butt of the joke, rather than it being like my narrative.

Megan:

Mm-hmm.

Spencer:

I,

Megan:

Yeah. Yeah. And also being open to hearing about when it's going well. like, not just like, oh, what's the, um, like what's the shitty, crazy story you have lately? But like, is there anyone excited you're excited about? And then if there's not, like,

Spencer:

yeah. And then we just move on in the conversation.

Megan:

Right. I don't always have to bring a story about a date, um, to a girl's dinner. I may not have, I may not feel like talking about it so I feel like that balance. Um, and then I think on the other side, the challenge is just like balancing, like being happy for your friend, being genuinely happy for your friend. And if like you are not, then like, and, and the guy is like deserving

Spencer:

Yeah,

Megan:

um, which obviously no one will ever be good enough for our girlfriends. Like they're men, they're always going to fall short because they're not like literal gods. Um, but like, if they truly make them happy and like are not actively like cheating or hurting them, um, then like

Spencer:

well the bar, the bar can be a little bit higher than that.

Megan:

Hurting. Hurting in, like, you know, a, a large sense, you know, not just physically.

Spencer:

No, but they can also be like doing nice things for us. I feel like that was a really low

Megan:

No, I'm, I'm just saying unless these

Spencer:

Okay. Okay.

Megan:

you have to

Spencer:

Yeah. Okay. Fine.

Megan:

Um, then I think otherwise It's literally just on you and it's like you have to learn to be like, okay, this is what, I'm so happy that this person has it. I can't wait for it to happen for me. And If all you're experiencing is jealousy, then like that, that you have to

Spencer:

yeah.

Megan:

Whatever that means, whatever that looks like, it's like your journey, but that's not on your friend to make you feel comfortable with the fact that like, she is in this

Spencer:

Yep.

Megan:

This new phase of life and she should be able to feel comfortable talking about it and being happy about it And feeling celebrated. Like being in

Spencer:

And also being heard, right? Because I feel like sometimes like that gets categorized as like, boring, boring, boring. They're married, like whatever. Actually, like there are sagas that happen in a married relationship, just like that happen in dating that really people want to to get off their chest or to talk with their girlfriends about.

Megan:

Yeah. It's not like the end of the road. Now you're married, so I just get to talk about my relationship issues and we're like done figuring yours out, and you're good

Spencer:

Yeah. Trust me.

Megan:

That's so

Spencer:

me. No, I mean, like, I think what I'd say like completely true, um, I think that for me, two things that come to mind is like one girls in relationship. It's, it's subtle, it's not overt in the way they display in like movies or TV shows, but women acting with a bit of a sup superiority complex when they have a partner or like, um, or like things have changed for them. I think that really just like you haven't won a prize, you haven't, no. Like it, there's not a finish line that you got to first, right? You have to live in that decision if that's the person you end up with. So it's like Instead of acting like you, you won the race. It really needs to be a thoughtfulness about like, the way that this impacts the assets of my life. And so something that like Brooks and I even struggled with and we even like kind of still do, is the idea that like my friendship, female friendships are so important to me that like, how do I balance spending time with my girlfriends and with him? And like, it doesn't always end up 50 50. There are some seasons where, you know, but at the end of the day he is like your husband or your boyfriend is your partner. And so.

Megan:

Yeah.

Spencer:

a dance and you've, you've moved into a different segment of it. And so I think that means being even more intentional with the time you have with your girlfriends. But I think no one likes the girl. It's so, so trite. But like, no one likes the girl that like totally disappears. And again, it happens in super subtle ways. Um, or it's the snarky comments they say when they do come back into the fold, right? Or like do come, or like, oh, things are so great. Or like, really, you're still doing that? Or like, oh, that bar is so gross. Like whatever. It's like subtle things that like Should be increasingly, uh, intentional with the time you have with girlfriends. Right. And I, I think I will say, like to the point you said about like you being heard and not being a court gesture or also just not, not, even being a core jester, but like me and you have had those moments and I think that's what's made our friendship so strong is that like when you especially have a. Friend who cares about you so much and they've like found their person and they're happy and they've got, and they also, there's a sense of also feeling like you figured it out inevitably. Like I think that like it's, we just have the sense that we do. And it's not universally applicable. It worked for one person. That doesn't mean it works for dating. So I think that we have the sense like Help you and you really have to pull that back because your experience is not their experience. And also it can come across in a way, even though it's all coming entirely and totally out of a place of love. And Megan and I have actually like argued about this in the past where it's like I will tell her something and she'll like, that's not what I want to hear. I'm also, there's like some things, like me, Megan and I I know that she no longer wants my advice about them. She no longer wants my feedback about them. Like that's, that's totally honest, Megan, right? Like, like there's some places where like, I know that feedback is not welcome. So it's more just like asking questions and being genuinely interested. And the thing is like that's because the de like the paths we would take are different and she, she knows what my response is going to be. And so it's my place as a good best friend to know that like, this is not my story to tell and this is not, I'm her mother and like. She's gonna figure it out. And what she wants is just somebody to be there and to be supportive for her and to care about her and genuinely be interested in her taking life. So the thing is like, you have to really reflect as a person who's in the relationship as to like, how am I, how am I not, like how am I fulfilling what they need instead vicariously trying to live out relationship in the way that I

Megan:

Yeah. When it's almost like because like you're not in that phase anymore and you never really like dated, like as a big adult. Like you, you, were really a baby when you got married, or at least like Met Brooks. It's

Spencer:

Yeah.

Megan:

you know, I'm sure there's also the pers the thought process of just like, oh, if I was like in this dating environment, this is what I would do, like, and. Uh, not that like I'm just this little like sim to you or something, but it's like you almost get the, like you, you're getting the opportunity to be like, oh, well if I was in like 2025 dating, like this is what I would do. And like, let me just move her

Spencer:

No. Literally some, sometimes I'm like, it's not, it's not like, okay, building a second floor in my home.

Megan:

Yeah. And then Spencer's like free will button, hesitantly. But yeah, and I think also, I think we've just both had to get really good about asking like, what do you need?

Spencer:

Yeah.

Megan:

And Whether it's just listening or whether it's advice. And figuring out like where to balance those and not just always like piping up because we obviously always have something to

Spencer:

Oh, that's the problem.

Megan:

that's that's why we're here, honey. And so it's like figuring out when that's actually valuable versus when it's just like, okay, she's just gonna like talk through this and I'm gonna wait and see

Spencer:

Yeah.

Megan:

my role is gonna be.

Spencer:

Yeah.

Megan:

Um, and one more thing I was gonna say, I do think, like with a new relationship, always say you get, I think you get three to six months to be a bad friend. When you first start dating someone? Maybe less. It depends on the dynamic, but like when, when I have a girlfriend that's like first started dating someone and she is so pumped about it, it's like my expectations are gonna be pulled back for a few months because I'm like,

Spencer:

yeah.

Megan:

do all of this stuff that his family wants to do. She's trying to meet his friends. Hopefully they're both matching each other's energy, but

Spencer:

Yeah.

Megan:

trying to be like the best possible person to him right now. And I want that for her. And like, I want her to enjoy the love bubble that she's in and like I'll be here whenever she's out of it. And I think that's something that has just kind of come with time. I did not feel that way like in college or a few years out of college. You know,

Spencer:

Yeah.

Megan:

immediately like okay, well she has a boyfriend and she sucks now.

Spencer:

Yeah.

Megan:

Um, and so I think that's just come with like understanding

Spencer:

Well that's like just a reality of it, right? Like they should be, they should be in like this stage of like total infatuation with each other. They should be obsessed with, You only get that once. And I think that takes a lot of self-realization on the part of the friend to be like, I'm not gonna hold grudges. You know? We'll see what happens come six months from now, right? Let's see what happens. Like time, but.

Megan:

once it gets into it's a year and like, you're missing my birthday party because your boyfriend has plans and all of that, that's when you can really start to hold them accountable once they're out of that honeymoon phase. But I think everyone just kind of deserves to on their relationship like very early on and just be A lover girl and say like, screw everyone else. We're just gonna, be obsessed with each other for a little

Spencer:

Yeah,

Megan:

fun.

Spencer:

Yeah, just don't put it on

Megan:

yeah. Obviously don't post him, God, just keep it

Spencer:

Disgusting.

Megan:

bring him around either. It's like, I don't wanna see either of you during that time. Okay. We've talked a little bit about people asking for, um, Instagram instead of your number or on Hinge if you ask for it, I think that's when it's like truly inappropriate. It's like if we're already talking on Hinge and we have an online connection, and then you're gonna, it's like we're just gonna move this from one app to another. Um, how to gently redirect without like just sounding, I don't know, snooty about it

Spencer:

think that, like, I think that I'm a firm believer that like humor is the best. Like, like tension diffuser, um, yeah. I think saying something like, I don't have an Instagram.

Megan:

No, no, no, no. what's that?

Spencer:

Yeah. You say, sorry, sorry, what's that? I only have this app.

Megan:

It's like the thing is

Spencer:

it's really easy to come off snarky, but the whole thing is like, if a guy's asking for that, I don't think he's the right guy in the first place.

Megan:

know that's the thing. It's like, it, it does come off snarky, but it's like, you kind of also should be, I mean, especially with Snapchat, like if someone asks for my Snapchat, it, it's over, you know, it's like completely dead in the water at that point.

Spencer:

I don't know. What do you think about this? Megan? Saying something like, can pass that I can give that to you. But by the way, I'm not really responsive. I'm never on Instagram and I'm super, and I'm super unresponsive to my dms on there. So my number is the best way to get in touch with me. And that way you're kind of, it's like redirecting the conversation. So you're acting like you're gently trying to say like, I'm assuming you're asking for this so you can contact me via direct message, which is what like an adult would do. I'm telling you I don't look at those and I'm assuming like that would be your sole motivation for asking for this. So there's a better way to actually reach out to me

Megan:

Yeah, I like that a

Spencer:

and then just leave it at that and don't actually send the link to the Instagram, right. And then see what he says.

Megan:

Yeah. Yeah. No, I think that's really good. I mean, yeah.'cause I was just gonna say you can have my number, like just be Really snippy about it, but I think that's better and it's, doesn't shut them down, Like, you want my MySpace. I go,

Spencer:

Yeah,

Megan:

how, how far are we going on this? Should I send LinkedIn as

Spencer:

Yeah.

Megan:

Are you trying to build an online profile of me? What's

Spencer:

Vine.

Megan:

Yeah. Yeah. And then maybe he'll explain like if it's a normal situation and he is like, no, I just, want to like remember, but it never

Spencer:

It's never a normal situation. So like, I think that like.

Megan:

just that. Then they start watching your stories for months and then message you to invite you to an after party. Three months later happened to me on Saturday.

Spencer:

Great.

Megan:

I was literally like, who is this man? I I do not recognize him. I don't know when I followed

Spencer:

And how long did it take you to like figure it out

Megan:

I think I went and I scrolled back through my hinge, like hidden conversations and he had the same profile picture on there and on Instagram, so I was able to match them

Spencer:

and you're like thanks for also wasting 20 minutes of my life.

Megan:

Exactly, yeah. Now I've just wasted even more time. Yeah. It was like. He had said, you know, let's get together sometime. Great. What's your Instagram? I gave it to him. I did not come up with a snarkier Cool comeback. And then he invited me to an after party at 2:00

Spencer:

great. great. Yeah, so I think, I think, I think the, I think the answer is try and push them on it, but at the end of the day, I don't know. I don't know if that's the cream of the crop in the first place.

Megan:

Yeah. Yeah. I think just get both, um, if you have a bad memory like me,'cause clearly I didn't even even remember that guy's name.

Spencer:

Um, well I have a success story dating of the week if you wanna hear it.

Megan:

Yes. hearing it for the

Spencer:

So last October 31st, I went out with my two girlfriends in the city and we went to a really fun party in Brooklyn, which crazy coming outta my mouth. Fun party in Brooklyn. Then we came back into the city and we went to just this like old classic hangout in the top of West Village Grace's bar. It's the best.

Megan:

Yes,

Spencer:

great vibes, really cute guys. It's also like basically a glorified sports bar without TVs. Like, it's like they serve the best Guinness poor in the city. So, yeah, it's a good dive. It's, you will find cute guys there.

Megan:

Mm-hmm.

Spencer:

a guy came up to my friend Carly, and immediately they hit it off. He had just moved that day from Toronto into the city? Yes,

Megan:

Oh, it's the Canadian.

Spencer:

it's the Canadian. yeah. We called him the Canadian for like eight months basically. They go on a date the next day. He, she literally helps him shop for like And a like art for his apartment. They start this whirlwind romance and then pretty soon after he gets overwhelmed. A classic New York excuse gets overwhelmed with his job. I honestly think he probably started going out in the city, didn't wanna be tied down by the first girl that he was dating. He just basically stopped being intentional. He had started off so strong, so intentional. They were doing tons of stuff together and then all of a sudden he was like. He would send her the texts, like, I think this is the craziest text ever. They're like, sorry, I just woke up. And it's like two hours after they were supposed to have plans. Like men. Like that's actually crazy. That's so crazy.'Cause the thing is like, there's so many like, safeguards to that we have phones with alarms, right? Like, I don't know what to tell you.

Megan:

You. can't be sleeping this

Spencer:

Yeah, no, you're not tic. You know what I mean? Um, and anyway, so I'm really proud of her, I thought that she would just kind of like, continue to let it pitter, like patter out and like, and I just like take no like, autonomy over it and like, not really like hold him his feet to the fire. And finally after about like. I don't know, two months of this. She finally just responded to one text after one of these sleeping escapades

Megan:

Mm-hmm.

Spencer:

was basically like, okay, like I'm going to end things because this has no direction and I really wish it best for you. I don't wish anything bad, but um, yeah, like we've gotta cut this'cause we're obviously looking for different things.

Megan:

Right?

Spencer:

months and months and months go by, I am pretty sure this like ended early spring of 2025

Megan:

Yeah.

Spencer:

on Halloween, October 31st of this year, around 11:00 PM she gets a text from the Canadian

Megan:

God.

Spencer:

if they can talk on the phone and asking if he can take her out for coffee the next day At coffee, he proclaims that he has been missing her for months. He's been hoping she would reach out. Also, just a crazy man thing to say. Um. That sometimes he goes to Grace is looking for her, but he just like, obviously didn't have his life together at the time and is now like super intentional about like trying things again And um, one calendar year later. And she's obviously cautiously optimistic, right? Like this guy already has like, quite frankly a bad, like a bad track record, right?

Megan:

yeah,

Spencer:

but I think that it's a case in point that like women do have to stand up for themselves and we have to be direct with men about what we're looking for. And sometimes it works out, sometimes it does not and we never see them again and our feelings get super hurt. But we do have to remember our worth and what we are genuinely looking for.'cause you're not gonna get to what you're looking for if you don't say what you're looking for.

Megan:

Yeah. People will treat you the way that you let them.

Spencer:

Mm-hmm. So that was a good one that happened recently.

Megan:

that was really good. That's really exciting. Yeah, I don't know why I haven't heard that. So she'll be

Spencer:

Yeah. I was like, well, that's crazy. That makes,

Megan:

that he had reached back out, but I did not know like what had happened.

Spencer:

yeah. Sounds like a conversation. Needs to be had off the pod.

Megan:

But yeah. We'll, uh, we'll table that.

Spencer:

Any good dates you've been on recently?

Megan:

yeah, actually I went on a good date last week, and we're seeing each other again on Thursday. Um, and he is below my typical age range,

Spencer:

What? What is he, how old is he

Megan:

he's 25.

Spencer:

That's beautiful. That's beautiful.

Megan:

He's really young, he looks like a man

Spencer:

Okay. App? bar.

Megan:

app?

Spencer:

Okay.

Megan:

H.

Spencer:

Okay. And what did you like about the first date with them?

Megan:

Um, you know, I think I've been on a lot of bad dates recently and I had not had one that was really fun since maybe like the beginning of summer. And so I was just not Looking forward to it and of felt like I was really on edge. And there was just this point like halfway through where I felt my body like, relax. And I

Spencer:

Un clenched.

Megan:

of relief. Yeah. And I was just like, oh, I'm enjoying myself. And I had not realized like I was waiting for it to go bad or

Spencer:

Yeah,

Megan:

realize how young he was or

Spencer:

he, you're waiting on him to tell you that you couldn't order a Maine, that you guys wrote

Megan:

Right? Yes, exactly. And like, it just kept waiting for something to go wrong. And then I was like, oh, I'm laughing. We're having fun. And like, that was just like such a relief. Um, so the best thing that happened was just it not being horrible, but it was also good. Like he was funny, very polite, ordered for us. That just gets me because I'm a horrible decision maker and I like to try new things. Um, and I just said I know that I want this, but everything else do, and it's just weird, you know, when you know that they're gonna pay. Like I don't wanna order like six dishes.

Spencer:

E even though that's like, unfortunately my ideal meal is like, I will order seven different things. That's why That's That's why girl dinners are so expensive. Right?

Megan:

Yeah,

Spencer:

cause we just like.

Megan:

we just get a ton of little plates. Yeah,

Spencer:

Everything but the kitchen sink.

Megan:

yeah. But that's what we did. And so we tried a bunch of stuff. And it was just

Spencer:

Do you recommend this dinner spot?

Megan:

Yes. We went to Kobe's in Santa Monica. Um, it's an Indian restaurant. It's like known for being a good date spot. Um,'cause it's really beautiful. You're like out in a little garden. The food is phenomenal. Um, so he did really well, like great choice.

Spencer:

I'm so excited.

Megan:

I was, I was honestly thinking, I was like this is gonna be like the new telling my mom about, a guy is telling, talking about him on the podcast. He is gonna be like, Hey, I actually can't see you Thursday or ever.

Spencer:

It is one of his guy, one of his two guy friends. Nope, sorry. He's 25. He probably has like six. One of them.

Megan:

many. He has so

Spencer:

Nice. One of them sends in the pod and is like, Hey, is this a girl?

Megan:

Don't say

Spencer:

I'm sorry. Sorry. I'll,

Megan:

this could be any, it could be any number of 25 year olds that I went out with

Spencer:

yeah,

Megan:

like, you don't

Spencer:

that's right. been on three dates with him That's right. That's right. And what? You guys are doing something again this week.

Megan:

yeah. We're going to dinner again.

Spencer:

Okay. I wish you the best of luck.

Megan:

Thank you. okay. Ready for hot takes. Okay. Agree or disagree? It's okay to ghost after one date. 3, 2, 1.

Spencer:

Agree.

Megan:

Agree. Yeah. You don't really owe them anything.

Spencer:

I don't, no, I think that like.

Megan:

even ghosting.

Spencer:

and here's the thing. If they reach out and you say thank you, and then they text you again, you can just let it pitter patter. If they demand some sort of response from you, then you need to man up and give them an answer. But it's not until prompted. One day the vibes weren't there. Call a day

Megan:

yeah, Don't, we don't need to owe each other so

Spencer:

We barely know each other.

Megan:

yeah, I don't know you, and if there wasn't a connection, let's just leave it.

Spencer:

Yeah,

Megan:

better than mutual ghosting. that's like

Spencer:

that's

Megan:

falling in

Spencer:

chef's kiss.

Megan:

you guys both don't text. Each other happened to me recently and I was still offended that he didn't text, but you know, I'm working on it. Okay. Agree or Disagree You should always offer to split the bill. 2, 1.

Spencer:

Disagree. and

Megan:

Yeah.

Spencer:

literally in no world.

Megan:

yeah, I've gotten so comfortable with it, and I just sit there and stare at him, and then he gives it to them and I say, thank you so much.

Spencer:

Yeah.

Megan:

A lot of girls do not feel comfortable in that

Spencer:

yeah, that's crazy.

Megan:

thing that I could change about my fellow woman, it would be that, because it's just like, this is what he's here for.

Spencer:

The thing is, if they are going on the dating app, they're looking for a lady, they're asking on the date they're, they are paying for, for the meal. That's just how it's right. Like if you are in any kind of your, you will know your sense of normalcy and sense of equity and Right. Like all that is right with the world, your senses will be on. As a woman, if you feel like it's a situation where you need to split the bill, a proper date is not a situation where you need to split the bill.

Megan:

Yeah. What do you think the situation would be? Where you don't

Spencer:

Um, a situation where, say you're like at a group hang you and a guy start hitting it off. You both are like, Hey, like we should go to this other bar. No one wants to go with you. Right? And you're like, actually, we're both hungry. That would be a total situation where it would be really respectful for him to, to grab it, but it under no pretense would I be expecting him to,

Megan:

Okay. That's such a good point. I, Yeah. I, could probably be better about like, offering in those situations,

Spencer:

I mean, I, think I, that was obviously like a very niche scenario,

Megan:

No, I'm just thinking. I'm like, um, but yeah, I think I understand if you think it's good manners to offer, but it's like I know my worth and I don't really wanna play a game with you here.

Spencer:

I'm just saying like if it is a date, the man pays that is just like, that's exactly, you know, your worth. It also is just like, it's very clear that's how a date works in heterosexual relationships,

Megan:

Mm-hmm. And how does it work if you have been, um, seriously seeing a guy for a month and your best friend is in town and he takes you guys to dinner, his favorite restaurant.

Spencer:

Let's,

Megan:

To meet her for the first time because he is told you that he wants to meet your family and to potentially be with you forever then should he? Should

Spencer:

and then he? orders everything at the table and then he corrals you all into ordering multiple rounds of martinis. He walks around the place like he owns it and then he. Then he says we should split the bill three ways. Yeah. That that's a garbage human. That's a garbage human, craziest experience of my life.

Megan:

Oh my God, it was so bad. Wait, my stomach, the whole dinner I was like thinking like he's gonna pay, he's gonna pay, he's gonna,

Spencer:

There's also just best friends who maybe would be more chill about it than me, but I'm sure you were just like, oh no, I'm gonna hear about this one at home.

Megan:

exactly. like this is any other friend any other. Oh, but there we were, but that's fine. Okay. Agree or disagree when you know, you know, 3, 2, 1. Disagree. People are wrong all the time.

Spencer:

I also think you are so many different people in this lifetime. When you know, you know, great. And then 10 years go by and it's like, wait, fuck. Everything about me has changed. This relationship has changed. Like the person that I'm with has changed. And that's the thing. It's like my mom has always been like too much of a realist with me. Like, you fall in and out of love with your partner, like pretty constantly, um, over like the seasons of life. That doesn't mean that like, granted you can fall in and out of love and you if you know, you know, could still be right. They could still be your person. But I also believe that like, the concept of potentially having like just one person that you love, like

Megan:

Mm-hmm.

Spencer:

I think it's a really big world and I think that we get moonstruck really easily in relationships. And you change and you evolve and like that you, you might have known in that moment, but things change.

Megan:

I read a really good Esther Perel quote recently that I liked, which was each of us will have like multiple long wonderful relationships in our lifetime. And sometimes it's with the same person,

Spencer:

Yeah.

Megan:

it's like at the end of the day, like you're going to have all these different relationships, and and sometimes that happens all in one relationship. Like there are like different chapters, and I also think just like pre-marriage, like I think you can. Have about, have the wrong first impression of someone both ways, where like, you don't give

Spencer:

Yeah,

Megan:

enough credit and like, you need to give them three dates before you realize that they're the person that you wanna spend the rest of your life with. And I think you can be with someone for years without realizing that they're a horrible person. So,

Spencer:

totally. Like when you don't know, you don't like, when you don't know, you might not know. Just in the same way.

Megan:

No, exactly. That's so true. Um, okay, last one. Agree or disagree? is cheating. 3, 2, 1. Disagree.

Spencer:

because I'm a psychopath.

Megan:

I think it's a, it's like a pushing of boundaries and it's like a boundary violation, but it's not cheating.

Spencer:

Interesting. I mean, here's the thing. I am,

Megan:

it depends on how far you're going with OnlyFans.

Spencer:

I'm definitely like Rachel from, I love LA

Megan:

Yeah.

Spencer:

who it was like, wait, and you're watching porn. Like, I believe that I should be the center of your, the entirety of your universe

Megan:

The only sexual desire you've ever had.

Spencer:

ever had. ever had. Like it's disgusting that you kissed girls in high school.

Megan:

Right,

Spencer:

But at the same time, yeah, that was true.

Megan:

Know it yet.

Spencer:

Right? And you're vile for that. You're absolutely vile for that. But at the same time, I also know that like men are 40 year olds and 50 year olds and 60 year olds, and like life happens and like sex drive decreases. I feel like I'm a realist in that regard too, but I just feel like the idea of it being on OnlyFans is like really, really depressing to me.

Megan:

Yeah, I, I think it's disgusting and like, probably a deal breaker, but I don't think it like technically qualifies as cheating.

Spencer:

That's wild.

Megan:

feel

Spencer:

I guess I just would not want my man to even know what OnlyFans is.

Megan:

no, like, yeah, they shouldn't, they should not know that there, that that

Spencer:

Men really shouldn't be able to like go on the internet freely. They should have those child blocks.

Megan:

stands for odd future. What were you gonna say?

Spencer:

I was gonna say an acronym that's actually not os. So I had to stop myself.

Megan:

Perfect. Okay.

Spencer:

All right.

Megan:

I love you very

Spencer:

I love you Bye.

Speaker 2:

Okay guys, thanks so much for listening to this week's episode. Please rate and review and follow us on Instagram. God bless our listeners, and God bless the single women of the United States.

Contributor

Megan Mallonee

Host
Contributor

Spencer Goodson

Host